Acceptance and Tolerance is the Key to Marital Success
Marriage is a life time commitment. Two people coming from different background, bond together by a social contract and stay together for life loving each other. As two people are different, male and female, they have different choices and emotions. All marriages couple face this problem in some degrees. All marriages have difference between the spouses; the differences between the good and bad ones is that the healthy marriage have worked out a manner or sequence in dealing with those problem areas so that they are not so problematic anymore. They have accepted the differences.
In our case, Ameena and Wasif came because they have difficulties in their marriage since their wedding. Having quite different personalities they are struggling with their relationship. Now, they need therapy to resolve their differences for a healthy relationship.
First, I socialize them to the counseling process. I tell them what I do and what they should expect. It isn’t abnormal or bad to go for counseling, there is nothing wrong with you for going for counseling. I need to assure them that their marriage isn’t the worst.
I will use Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) to help them resolving their problems. Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) is a relatively new approach to couple therapy which was developed by Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson. Andrew Christensen was a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). Neil S. Jacobson was a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Washington. IBCT has been the focus of a major clinical trial on the outcome of couple therapy and achieved promising scientific support. (About IBCT)
Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy is "integrative" in two ways:
The first face-to-face contact with the therapist is done with both partners together. First attempt concentrates on the content of the couple’s problems. It also concentrates on the strengths of their relationship as well.
Then, two following sessions are done individually with each of the partners. There, it is attempted to approach the problem visualizing the current situation. The family-of-origin history, the relationship history and the present level of commitment are need to be known to get the overall picture.
After the individual sessions with each partner alone, the therapist calls both partners to come back and make another combine session. There he presents the case formulation in a manner understandable by the couple. He tries to corroborate it with them. He need to refine it with their opinions explaining the treatment to them. Then he sets the goals of intervention.
Then, the next sessions are oriented toward conflict solution which is based on the case formulation that was presented in the combined feedback session. The intervention strategies consist of the traditional therapy (strategies for change) with the new, integrative strategies (acceptance and tolerance).
The acceptance strategies are used as powerful tools to manage incompatibilities in which points the differences seem irreconcilable or there is no hope for some problems that are not getting solved. Therefore, these are the means of improving the relationship by gaining acceptance. Accepting what at first sight seemed unacceptable strengthen the relationship. The cause of permanent unhappiness which are making the relationship unfeasible are accepted. So it is a very hopeful therapy for couples who are facing problems that seem unmanageable and traditional known strategies for change may not bring desired results. (Hahlweg)
On the other hand, tolerance strategies would work from a different perspective on a different level from the acceptance strategies. They are put into practice when the acceptance strategies have not worked as expected. The idea of tolerance strategies says that if acceptance cannot be achieved, at least tolerate the other’s behavior as much as possible. In some cases, tolerance techniques are able to facilitate the path to acceptance and then acceptance techniques come to action.
Messenger of Allah also counseled like this way. Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)
This hadith supports that acceptance and tolerance are very important for binding a healthy relationship. Here messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) is teaching that it is normal to dislike some aspects of spouse but one must not focus on the things which he does not like. Rather he should focus on other part of her character that is pleasing to him. Focusing in what he likes over what he dislikes will solve the problem easily and will bring happiness in marriage.
Up to this time it has been demonstrated that Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy works somewhat more effective than the most traditional treatment for couples known. It is very hard and most cases impossible to change one person’s personalities. Traditional theories focus on the change of the disturbing behavior as the solution of the problems. Where IBCT do it by making the couple accepting the differences and tolerating their spouse’s behaviors which are not really big issues. It is much easier and effective than trying to change a persons inherited qualities. So, this therapy can be successful over a disputing couple who are fighting over trivial issues.
Conflict is an inevitable truth in any close relationship. It is almost impossible for two people to be emotionally very close without having some inherent differences. If handled correctly, marital conflict can lead a person toward maturation and self-improvement. And it will strengthen their bond. Throughout this entire therapy process, one thing has to remain in mind, that each of the couple as an individual should have to contribute his or her best to their marriage all the time, regardless of what other spouse chooses to do. And even if only one of the spouse can tolerate and accept other one and undertakes this approach, they will eventually lead the other to accept him or her. They will gain personal satisfaction by realizing that they are not only fulfilling half of their deen in a way that is most pleasing to Allah but also building a constant source of positive growth for their relationship.
In our case, Ameena and Wasif came because they have difficulties in their marriage since their wedding. Having quite different personalities they are struggling with their relationship. Now, they need therapy to resolve their differences for a healthy relationship.
First, I socialize them to the counseling process. I tell them what I do and what they should expect. It isn’t abnormal or bad to go for counseling, there is nothing wrong with you for going for counseling. I need to assure them that their marriage isn’t the worst.
I will use Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) to help them resolving their problems. Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) is a relatively new approach to couple therapy which was developed by Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson. Andrew Christensen was a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). Neil S. Jacobson was a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Washington. IBCT has been the focus of a major clinical trial on the outcome of couple therapy and achieved promising scientific support. (About IBCT)
Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy is "integrative" in two ways:
- It integrates the twin goals of acceptance and change as positive outcomes for couples in therapy. Couples succeeded in the therapy usually make some changes to accommodate the needs of the other but they show greater emotional acceptance of the other.
- IBCT integrates various therapy strategies within a consistent behavioral theoretical framework.
The first face-to-face contact with the therapist is done with both partners together. First attempt concentrates on the content of the couple’s problems. It also concentrates on the strengths of their relationship as well.
Then, two following sessions are done individually with each of the partners. There, it is attempted to approach the problem visualizing the current situation. The family-of-origin history, the relationship history and the present level of commitment are need to be known to get the overall picture.
After the individual sessions with each partner alone, the therapist calls both partners to come back and make another combine session. There he presents the case formulation in a manner understandable by the couple. He tries to corroborate it with them. He need to refine it with their opinions explaining the treatment to them. Then he sets the goals of intervention.
Then, the next sessions are oriented toward conflict solution which is based on the case formulation that was presented in the combined feedback session. The intervention strategies consist of the traditional therapy (strategies for change) with the new, integrative strategies (acceptance and tolerance).
The acceptance strategies are used as powerful tools to manage incompatibilities in which points the differences seem irreconcilable or there is no hope for some problems that are not getting solved. Therefore, these are the means of improving the relationship by gaining acceptance. Accepting what at first sight seemed unacceptable strengthen the relationship. The cause of permanent unhappiness which are making the relationship unfeasible are accepted. So it is a very hopeful therapy for couples who are facing problems that seem unmanageable and traditional known strategies for change may not bring desired results. (Hahlweg)
On the other hand, tolerance strategies would work from a different perspective on a different level from the acceptance strategies. They are put into practice when the acceptance strategies have not worked as expected. The idea of tolerance strategies says that if acceptance cannot be achieved, at least tolerate the other’s behavior as much as possible. In some cases, tolerance techniques are able to facilitate the path to acceptance and then acceptance techniques come to action.
Messenger of Allah also counseled like this way. Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)
This hadith supports that acceptance and tolerance are very important for binding a healthy relationship. Here messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) is teaching that it is normal to dislike some aspects of spouse but one must not focus on the things which he does not like. Rather he should focus on other part of her character that is pleasing to him. Focusing in what he likes over what he dislikes will solve the problem easily and will bring happiness in marriage.
Up to this time it has been demonstrated that Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy works somewhat more effective than the most traditional treatment for couples known. It is very hard and most cases impossible to change one person’s personalities. Traditional theories focus on the change of the disturbing behavior as the solution of the problems. Where IBCT do it by making the couple accepting the differences and tolerating their spouse’s behaviors which are not really big issues. It is much easier and effective than trying to change a persons inherited qualities. So, this therapy can be successful over a disputing couple who are fighting over trivial issues.
Conflict is an inevitable truth in any close relationship. It is almost impossible for two people to be emotionally very close without having some inherent differences. If handled correctly, marital conflict can lead a person toward maturation and self-improvement. And it will strengthen their bond. Throughout this entire therapy process, one thing has to remain in mind, that each of the couple as an individual should have to contribute his or her best to their marriage all the time, regardless of what other spouse chooses to do. And even if only one of the spouse can tolerate and accept other one and undertakes this approach, they will eventually lead the other to accept him or her. They will gain personal satisfaction by realizing that they are not only fulfilling half of their deen in a way that is most pleasing to Allah but also building a constant source of positive growth for their relationship.
Bibliography
About IBCT. n.d. 19 June 2016. <http://ibct.psych.ucla.edu/about.html>.
Hahlweg, Kurt. Enhancing Couples: The Shape of Couple Therapy to Come. 2010.
Mairal, Jorge Barraca. "Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT)." Psicothema (2015).
Muslim. "Hadith no 8/3469." The Book of Suckling. n.d.
Hahlweg, Kurt. Enhancing Couples: The Shape of Couple Therapy to Come. 2010.
Mairal, Jorge Barraca. "Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT)." Psicothema (2015).
Muslim. "Hadith no 8/3469." The Book of Suckling. n.d.
© 2016 by Tauhid Ahmed.